To Hell And Back Again: A Survival Story

I’ve probably experienced more fear at various points in my life than most people will experience in an entire lifetime. Fear of dying. Fear of losing my mind. Fear of going blind. All real fears, but magnified many times over in my mind to become anxiety.

Anxiety? What’s that? Some people might ask.

My roommate in college once asked me that. Imagine you’re watching a horror movie. Then, multiply your fear times a hundred. Or even a thousand. I told him it was like turning up the volume full blast on your most primal fears. The equivalent of mental torture.

But luckily, in the beginning, at least for me, the anxiety, or panic attacks, were short-lived at best. Lasting no more than thirty seconds to one minute.

So still disruptive. Disconcerting. Difficult to cope with. But manageable.

And the anxiety, the panic attacks, seemed to come during transition phases in my life. Truthfully, I haven’t been tormented by panic attacks and anxiety my whole life. Just episodes during periods of change.

Anxiety: The Start as an Adolescent

As an example, when I was in junior high school. My first year. After attending my grandmother’s funeral. I began experiencing my first full-fledged anxiety attacks. Looking back, I realize that it was existential dread. The terror of knowing that I’d die someday, like my grandmother. That was the driving force behind this anxiety.

At the time, I turned to the Bible.

Reading the Old Testament at first, which frightened me even more than ever before. Why? Well, the Old Testament was full of examples of people, even whole towns, being smote down for their wicked ways. So what would stop God from striking me down as a sinner, too?

Thankfully, though, I got through those scary parts of the Bible and unto the New Testament, where I discovered a more humane, forgiving, and loving God. One that would accept a mortal sinner, like me, into eternal salvation, if only I had faith in his son, Jesus Christ, who died on the cross for all sinners. And so, I had this faith, which eventually put the panic and anxiety to rest for a long time. As the existential crisis was solved for the time being by my faith in Christ. But there was more to come.

Anxiety: As a University Student

The next major episode of anxiety that I can recall was around the time of my second semester at college. How the mighty fall. At the time, I felt energized. On top of the world. I’d made it through my first semester. Succeeded at a place, where I wasn’t sure if I could make it.

But now I was back home again for Christmas break. At a friend’s party, I did party like there was no tomorrow. Drank and smoked weed. Lots of it. At a certain point in the night, those primal fears just came flooding back into my mind.

You’re all going to die. I heard a dark, demonic voice echo inside my mind.

Suddenly, I’d gone off the deep end. And there was nothing anyone could say or do to bring me back. The visual and auditory hallucinations became a nightmare.

I fled the party. Eventually came to a stop somewhere along a road. Sat down with my back against a fence. Alone and in the cold. And felt myself begin to slip away. Disappearing into the infinite.

When I came back to. I knew that I’d died. In fact, for the rest of the night, I walked around certain that I was deceased and living in a state of purgatory. Until sometime later in the night, back at home, when I finally came back to my senses. Back to reality. But still shaken to the core of my being.

And yes, the anxiety attacks at college did return again in full force. Why?

Now I realized how fragile the mind was. At least, that is what I thought at the time…

Moreover, I was now convinced that my sanity rested on a razor’s edge. And that not much was separating me, or the average person, from a full-blown descent into madness and mental breakdown.

It didn’t help that I’d learned in one of my psychology classes that the average onset age of schizophrenia for men is in the late teens to early twenties.

And what was it that I’d just experienced, anyway? A drug-induced psychosis, which is a state, losing touch with reality, that is similar to schizophrenia. So I knew what it was like. And worried, even fretted, that that night that I’d lost touch with reality was just a precursor to the eventual demise of my mind.

Needless to say, I was unnerved and shaken by the whole experience of having a bad trip. And so, I was left with anxiety and panic attacks in the aftermath. Fortunately for me, though, those panic attacks eventually began to fade in time.

And soon, in my sophomore year of college, I found myself falling in love with a beautiful farmer’s daughter and forgetting all about my fears. Still, anxiety and fear weren’t done with me…

To Anxiety Hell: As a Twenty Something

… As years later, after I’d graduated college and done a stint as a whitewater raft guide in the Southeast, I returned to my childhood home and began working on a novel. You see, it’d always been a dream of mine to become a writer. So I started working on a book about two high school friends, who become hopelessly lost in a cave in Southwestern Virginia after their light sources were accidentally blown out. And after that, there’s not much chance of them ever finding a way out of the dark.

For whatever reason, it was at that point as a writer that I began to experience anxiety like I never had before. And never thought was possible. The initial attack came as a flood, a tidal wave of fear, despair, and desperation. And it just seemed like it would never let up. So for the next six months, or even more, the anxiety and fear exploded inside of my mind like a runaway forest fire. A forest fire that could not be contained or mitigated in anyway.

This is for real. It literally felt like there was a perpetual fire inside my brain. Physically.

I soon became suicidal. I wish I was lying. I’m not. Eventually, I went to a psychologist. Then, a psychiatrist, who prescribed Paxil, which for me was a highway to hell. And certain death.

Possibly the lowest moment of my life. Cause if you think my symptoms were bad before. A living hell. A nightmare from which I could not awake. Well, the Paxil somehow made it all the worse. As I soon became convinced that this psychiatrist was a demon, intent on tormenting me. Once again, I’d gone over the edge…

But I quit those meds. Slowly came back to earth. Still being eaten alive by anxiety and fear.

The wolves were moving in for the kill. Was there any way out?

We tried another medicine. An allergy medication that doubled as an anti-anxiety medication. Sometimes, I have allergies. So it sounded good to me.

I remember taking it. A few hours later, I stood in the shower at home. The fear tearing me to pieces.

I’m not going to make this..

When you live in mortal fear and terror for days and months on end. And all you know is mental agony, you are robbed of everything. No happiness, no joy, no comfort, or safety. No good times. No peace of mind. Nothing. Nothing but darkness, fear, loneliness, and despair.

So you live for the day when you will return to yourself again. If ever. But by now, I was at the end of my rope. And could not seem to find my way out of this darkness.

I’m not going to make this, I said again to myself, as the water poured down on me.

Suddenly, I felt a punch in the face. And my head snapped back. Then another swift blow came from an unseen assailant.

And something broke inside of me.

Man, I’m messed up, I thought, reaching up to touch my face, only to discover that there was blood gushing from my nose.

What’s wrong with me?

And then, I felt something else…

The fire that had been burning inside my mind was being extinguished. I felt it. The medication creeping, like ice water, into my brain. Cooling and quenching that fire. And, at that moment, I knew that that bonfire inside of me and the hell on earth that I’d been living for so many months was going to end someday.

And no, by no means, did the anxiety and panic just disappear, instantly.

But over time, I did finally get to the point where I could enjoy living life again. Not even dependent on any medication. You see, just having it in reach gave me the confidence that I could control the anxiety. And put out the fires in my mind. Not only that, but by that point, I’d learned so many tricks and techniques for managing and controlling my fears.

Such as acknowledgment and dismissal. So saying to yourself, whenever an anxiety attack may occur, “Oh, that’s just anxiety.”

Even more powerful was the Buddhist concept of awareness. So if you become aware of anxiety, you observe it. It’s not really you who’s experiencing it. Meaning, the real you is not your mind, the ego. Rather, it’s the core inside of each of us. The infinite awareness. Whereas, anxiety and depression are products of the mind and its thoughts, both of which we can’t always control. But we can observe them from afar for what they are. Just random thoughts. Or feelings. Possibly not even our own.

One more thing that I did want to say, regarding anxiety is acceptance. Because if one tries to stop anxiety, well, that may not be possible. And then, every time you try to stop anxiety from occurring you might feel yourself tensing up. Then, you’re in essence at war with yourself.

So you go with the flow, allowing it to go away, like ripples on the water.

Still, another perspective that I came to embrace for dealing with anxiety and depression was to look at these painful emotional states as an ally, friend, or messenger. That is to say, ask yourself, what does this anxiety have to teach me? What’s so bad about my life that I’m experiencing all this anxiety? And, if there’s something so bad in my life? What do I need to change to make myself feel whole and confident again?

In my case, it was so many things. And, of course, the anxiety struck during times of change. Life changes. But the one thing that did stay the same was me writing my book. In addition to getting a new job after that shower incident I mentioned above, I did eventually resume writing my book.

So for the next 19 years, I worked on both. My career, if you want to call it that. And my book about the two high school friends, who get hopelessly lost in a cave in Southwest Virginia. And eventually, I finished up both right around the same time.

The book about nine months before the job ended in the Spring of 2017. I remember the day well. As my entire book was nearly complete, except for the most climactic scene. But how to write it? How to make my work complete?

And suddenly, it came to me in an epiphany that day. You see, I’d heard the song “Changes” by David Bowie playing in a restaurant while I was at lunch. And it was these lyrics that inspired the completion of that metamorphic scene in my book.

So I turned myself to face me…

Roughly nine months later, after a brief meeting with Human Resources, I was also finally freed from the job where I’d worked for the past 19 years. Changes.

At which point, I took the path into early retirement, which you can read about here. That said, I’m not so retired that I haven’t lost the desire to see my book eventually published. So that people will know what it’s like to search for a ray of light in a sea of darkness, fear, and despair, and never give up the will to survive and prevail, no matter what.

But, for the time being, I’ll be content to simply publish this article on what it was like when I journeyed to hell and back again all those years ago.

And yes, I’m grateful to God, the universe, the Great Spirit, and Jesus Christ, himself, that I survived the ordeal and that I came back from it and am enjoying my life again.

And so, I overcame my greatest fears in life and found freedom in the end. I just hope that humanity, as a whole, can do the same someday. And find the strength, spirituality, and will power to overcome our core primal fears, as well. And only then, will we be able to live together in peace, happiness, and true freedom.

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Disclaimer:

I’m not a medical doctor or mental health professional. None of the information in this article is intended to be medical, personal, or mental health advice. The article is written for entertainment purposes only. Incidentally, there are some recent scientific studies examining the effectiveness of treating anxiety and depression through the use of psychedelics. This is one such study.

The state of Oregon has even gone so far as to legalize medical mushrooms in a therapeutic setting.

Gary Alan

After a long career in the publishing industry, Gary Alan left his corporate job to pursue his next adventures in life as a blogger, writer, investor, fly fisherman, hiker, and traveler. He is the author of the adventure fiction book, 'Big Thunder-Hearted River'.